Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let us have A different put where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental Trump Tower Damascus groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities

Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"

The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it might stabilize the realm"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even consist of:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."